Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
