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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.