Those Words given by A Parent Which Helped Me during my time as a New Parent

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of being a father.

But the reality quickly turned out to be "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her chief support in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.

The straightforward phrases "You are not in a good spot. You must get some help. What can I do to help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are symptomatic of a larger failure to talk amongst men, who continue to hold onto harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It is not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the chance to request a break - spending a few days away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "bad actions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, tell a family member, your partner or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the activities that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - eating well, staying active and where possible, resting, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - looking after yourself is the best way you can look after your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead provide the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."